been too long!

Hi everyone!

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. Not much new on the health front..but I can say that lately I have felt better than I have all year! It's crazy, and it feels good. It makes me want to take this time and do everything possible! Go out, dance, have fun with my friends....because so soon the call is going to come and completely change my life. I will have to start from scratch...and fight all over again. I am definitely very very scared. I have even been having dreams of getting the call and being so worried. I know it's whats best for me though..and whats meant to be.

Even though I'm feeling pretty good as far as health wise, it's been tough cause my grandfather is very very ill and now in hospice care. It is extremely hard for me to watch him wither away to nothing. I have never really watched someone die before..and it is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I have a hard time coping..and find myself avoiding going to see him because it completely consumes me and breaks my heart into pieces. I am a nurse, I help people...but this I cannot fix and it drives me crazy. My poor mother and grandmother are doing so much for him and are truly amazing people for being so strong through this. Much stronger than I.

I don't know how hospice/geriatric nurses do it...to care for someone that was once so full of life that now has lost all control, all dignity and is just ready to tell the world goodbye. It eats me up inside... I take care of kids...and thats all I really know. Even the very sick ones still have that resiliency in their eyes and most still manage to play and keep trying. The kids I care for amaze me.

I have recently taken care of the cutest most sweet 3 year old patient. He has had some trouble with his kidneys completely out of nowhere and has had a very rough go in the hospital. But this special little man still manages to giggle, smile and say "thank you." It's so hard when, like me, these health problems come completely out of nowhere and you have to figure out how to deal. Do you crawl in a ball and hide? Or do you just roll with the punches and understand this was brought on for a reason..and God doesn't give you more than you can handle? You take the problem head on and play with the cards you have been delt. This boys mother has been his rock and such a good influence through all of this. Pushing him hard to play, eat and get his strength back. It is so refreshing to me to see families like this. It's who you have by your side when the going gets tough is who really matters.

Anyway..please keep my family in your prayers. We are strong though, and seem to makes it through anything. I am very lucky.

Have a good weekend!

xx-Rachael